I’m back on OKCupid because I promised to push myself to do things I am generally uncomfortable with. When it comes to online dating, I have an issue with keeping up with conversations. I rarely check my OKC app or check my profile online. I’ve started checking it once a day, but I’m sure any OKCer will tell you that isn’t enough. I don’t like handing out my phone number to some random, though I’ve only ever had one issue arise from doing so. This isn’t to say I haven’t gone out with a few people that never blossomed into anything more.
There is a part of me that has been influenced by the Romance genre of falling into the arms of a man and then being swept away in a whirlwind of ridiculous drama that could be solved through proper communication. While envisioning this fairy tale, I also see myself as an independent woman with strong morals, work ethic, and strength (read: strong independent black woman who don’t need no man -yes I said black. I know I’m not. It’s a silly saying, get over it). According to my wonderful friends, family, and [former] coworkers this is why I find myself single.
Why I’m single, explained.
1. Do you even lift, Bro?
My last restaurant job -and as all restaurants do- it was required to do some heavy lifting. Though I never tossed a keg onto my shoulders or carried five boxes of wine into the shed, I did lift large containers of tea, heavy wooden benches, tables, etc. Things that, quite frankly, an adult -even teens- could carry. Yet, when I would do these things a coworker of mine would ask me why I’m doing it when we have a man on staff. One man on a day of five women. Why wouldn’t I do something that I’m perfectly capable of doing?
Because women should use men.
I was told that men are lazy, without “heavy lifting” (seriously these things did NOT weigh that much) they won’t want me. Why would you date someone who can do all the “manly” things?
Solution: Stop lifting things. STOP IT! I don’t know the weight limit for women, but I’m going to assume that if I feel any strain on my muscles, it’s too much.
2. I’m a whale!
As many women (maybe even men, but I’m not too familiar with male body issues), I have struggled with my weight here and there. That’s not to say I don’t love myself, after all I’m awesome :D! Around my second year of college I stopped eating with the exception of toast here, a cracker there. That was less about my losing weight, and more about my spiral into depression. I still look back on those photos and think “damn I wish I were still that thin, but without the sadness and pale complexion, and with food.”
Beyond that I’ve become more comfortable with my weight. I still think about dropping a few pounds, and God knows my hips don’t lie. When working at the sushi restaurant every busser has told me that I was (am?) fat. That I shouldn’t eat that because (insert stomach poke) I’m getting fat. “No dressing!” “No rice!” “No alcohol!” “Nothing fried, ever!”
“No food, for you!”
Solution: Salads! Half salad, dressing on the side. What kind of dressing is it? Nevermind, no dressing. No cheese, no croutons, no eggs, oh is there bacon? No bacon. Nuts? Hmm.. I shouldn’t. Oh, just a glass of water. Check, please! Thank you.
3. Women aren’t funny
I don’t claim to be funny. OK, I like to tell people I’m “fucking hilarious”. Whether that’s true or not is up to them. But funny women are unicorns. Seriously, ask around. Lots of people believe that. There’s a documentary about it, but I don’t recommend it. It’s not very good. Such potential, but fell so short.
Regardless of that, being funny isn’t attractive in a woman. The man should be funny, and the woman should giggle. “Oh you, you’re so silly.” Making jokes in person and online generally causes a fade out.
Solution: Be bland. All stories should be entertaining, but nothing beyond that. If you get anything more than a “heh” from your date, you’re doing it wrong.
4. Damn, Boy, you fine
Personalities are overrated. Who cares if your date spends his days playing video games, yelling at 12 year olds about fucking their mother? Who cares if he kicks his dog and browses pick up artist websites? Because personalities don’t matter. Getting to know someone is for after the relationship. If there’s a problem, no worries, he’s hot! Sexy boyfriend beats your sweet, caring boyfriend any day of the week.
Oh he doesn’t have any ambitions, a job, or hobbies? It’s cool, a two-dimensional boyfriend only needs a good looking face and some damn fine washboard abs.
I don’t understand why I’m criticized for looking for a guy with more of a personality than a cardboard box. Yet, here it is, number four on my list of fuck ups.
Solution: Stop reading OKC profiles. Seriously, what’s the point? If he’s got shining eyes, a sparkling smile, and a beautiful face, why not date him? Nevermind the opening message: “I’m going to fuck you so hard, you won’t be able to walk for a week.” Oh baby, do me now.
5. Matron Saint of Prudes
My boobs are very comfortable behind my shirt. I wear tank tops and v-necks. I wear dresses and shorts on occasion. Why are you telling me I need to show more skin? How much skin are we talking here? I don’t walk around in yoga pants often, and when I do it’s on my way to the gym/hike/run/etc.
I wear heels when I feel like it. I show off my toes in my wedge sandals, little piggies wiggling free for the world to see. What more do you want to see? Shorter skirts? Tube tops? Belly shirts?
Solution: SLUT UP! Yeah! Skimpy, skimpy, skimpy. Not prudey, prudey, prudey!
6. Slut!
Contrary to the last point, I have also been told I need to cover up. My shorts are too short. My tank tops show off my arms too much. My pants are too tight. I’m starting to think I can’t win. Maybe it’s a reaction to the last point. As I stated above people think I’m a chub, so perhaps when they said “less fabric” they saw my fatass and regretted their suggestion.
Solution: I think the only solution is to have the best of both worlds. So I’m going to invest in some convertible cargo pants. The ones with the zippers. Sexy time, here I come.
7. That is so homosexual
Many of my wonderful friends are gay. I don’t know why this matters at all when it comes to my love life. In fact, my gay friends are my biggest support in meeting men. Yet, my biggest critics believe that because I have so many friends who like the same sex, I will become gay myself. The Gay Plague! Living in San Francisco doesn’t help my case either. “No straight men in San Francisco. Might as well live in Palm Springs.”
Solution: Live in a plastic, gay-free bubble. Like Bubble Boy. Beware the Gay Plague!
8. Geekeroni
I love Doctor Who, and Sherlock Holmes, and Game of Thrones, and Batman, and… and… and… As I type this post, I’m watching Arrow on Netflix. I can’t decide if I like it or not, but I needed a new show while everything is still on winter hiatus. A while ago I bought myself a pair of Who Shoes and a Batman sweater. I’ve been looking for something Game of Thrones-y, but for now I have the box set of the books.
I love chatting about Walking Dead, the new Star Wars, and Top Gear (I wonder if this one counts as “geek”). But it’s a turn off. Geeking out will land you with a sad, chubby, smelly, mouth breathing, WoW addict who only cares about chips and Magic: The Gathering. You’ll end up in some kind of weird My Little Pony/Anime Lolita fetish based relationship. OK, maybe these examples are a bit more extreme, but the statement stands. It’s what my acquaintances have told me. I can’t like these things any longer.
Solution: Give up the things I like. Start watching…um.. Girls?
—
I can’t think of any more, but I’m sure they’re out there. So it’s time for me to put these solutions into action and land the man of my dreams. How to find a boyfriend? Change everything about myself, until I’m unrecognizable. So long self, I hardly knew ye.
Or.. you know…
Shut up.
Mai Insanity 